It’s indisputably true: whereas the handsomest American men often view Indian women as trophies, blondes are far less likely to hook up with desi boys, unless, say, the blonde was a displaced Eastern European or she grew up having a crush on a surly Indian kid who left her needing to chase emotionally unavailable Indian men.
To be fair, when any woman is presented with options, she will likely say that Indian men do not make the most desirable fuck buddies. Maybe we desis are ruined by our mothers, we never learn to play the game. On the other hand, in the complex society that is America, with its rigid racial and class-driven structures of hierarchy, is it possible that most of our kind, perceived as perennial outsiders, didn’t have a chance to begin with?
The data seems to back this up. OkCupid, a popular free American online dating site conducted its own large-scale survey and found that white women responded to messages from non-whites on its interface only 23 per cent of the time. (According to OkCupid’s blog, users create their own unique matching system that ensures that a good match is predicated on the prospect of great conversation; the messaging function facilitates getting in touch with potentially fabulous matches.) The upshot: the dating habits of white women are racially suspect.
None of this concerns me directly, but as an Indian male, I am offended. In four years of living in central Texas, I cannot recall seeing an Indian fellow with the sort of gori universally acknowledged as stunning. Austin is a liberal college town in a conservative state, and interracial partnerships are not uncommon, but the peculiar configuration of Indian men and white women I refer to was absent.
Not every Indian man – especially not the kind that holds militant conceptions of ethnic identity – wants to be with a white girl. Perhaps most people pick partners based on shared cultural experiences; perhaps beautiful white women, long eulogised by society as the ideal mates, and, consequently, spoiled for choice, prefer to pick partners who practise the cultural codes of whiteness.
Then there are darker motives: some may be sensitive to pressure exerted by conservative families and society at large to pick only men who will preserve the whiteness of the line. How much of it is attributable to racial attitudes in the Deep South?
Two months ago, I moved to the Northeast. One of the first things I noticed in Princeton is the number of interracial couples; after Austin, I was startled by the sheer number of Indian men accompanying women from other racial groups. According to US census figures, the density of Indians is highest in the tri-state area, but that alone cannot explain the spike; my guess is, in intensely dorky environments like Princeton where irrespective of their ethnic affiliation the men (and women) assuredly belong to the cream of intellectual society, nerdiness will trump every other card. If you extend that thought, Indian men probably have it best in big cities, such as New York and San Francisco.
However, a fundamental question remains: is there a cultural trend in America wherein Indian men are dismissed en masse as unsexy? Indian men have traditionally been desexualised or portrayed as unattractive in the mainstream American entertainment. Parallel to this, in America, there is a general belief that Indians constitute a model minority: they are well-educated, hard working, and rarely raise their collective voice in protest, focusing instead on fitting in. In contrast to the sizeable Punjabi contingent that made it to Toronto and Southall in the 1960s and set up small businesses or drove cabs, desi migrants to America hail from a variety of linguistic backgrounds and are more likely to belong to the professional class.
In America the word ‘Indian’ today quickly summons the image of Apu from the Simpsons, or a tech employee; maybe, a doctor. It conjures up the impression of men committed to arranged marriages and – more viciously – smelling like curry. The problem with stereotypes is that while they may be grounded in specific truth, they are often distorted to overreach for a generalisation. Some might argue that one ought to approach false categorisations with a sense of humour, and recognise that in comparison to the African-American and Jewish narratives, the history of South Asians in America is a short one. All of this may simply be one stage in the larger process of cultural absorption.
It would also help the Indian cause abroad if attitudes changed in the mother country. Anti-Muslim rhetoric retains a hold on many Hindu and Christian families, and couples across caste lines are routinely subjected to horrific violence in smaller towns and villages. But there is cause for optimism: in big cities at least, we are witnessing a rise in inter-community relationships.
Deep transformations take time; one day hopefully, Indian men in America will see past the false binary of whether white women find Indian men sexy or unsexy, and learn to ask if the partner they seek is good enough for them.